Nam Myo Ho Ren Ge Kyo Lind Say Lo Han

I've been so totally blue lately, as if someone moved me into an apartment at the bottom of a toilet bowl with that blue stuff in it, with a great big picture window from which I can watch the shit rain down from the sky. Here comes the turd again, raining on my house like a Tom Cruise movie...

So that's how I've felt lately. I think a change of religion is in order. And since I didn't have any religion before, that should be an easy transition. I'm going to worship Lindsay Lohan, because I finally realized something: All those sites and magazines talk about her all the time, because they're worshipping her (either as a saint or god, I'm not sure which); and they're worshipping her because she can grace you with a blip of celebrity dust if you have enough faith in her. I believe that if Linsday Lohan just thinks about you, or better yet, says your name aloud, then it can completely change your life. So I've decided to pray to Linsday Lohan now and chant her name. (Yeah, I know I said I would chant Uma Thurman's name, but I tried that, and you know what? I think it's a LOAD! But I'm SURE this time--chanting Linsday Lohan's name will make everything better.) I've already started building a shrine, but admittedly it looks pretty crazzappy, since it's just a bunch of black-and-white pictures I printed on this cheap dot matrix here. Hopefully Linsday will bless a little bling my way and then I can buy some color glossies. Lindsay's will be done, I suppose.

And that's the beep for now.

In Lohan,
Ed Shepp

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Pimpin Product

I thought I'd just write a li'l something pimping a couple of products that I lerv. So, of course, why not start out with the best product of all? ME! Hence the image to the left. Listen to my show tonight, The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment, on WFMU 91.1FM or wfmu.org. Tonight's topic is Money and my guest is J.C., a financial professional in New York. And there you go.

And now for 2 products that I'm so impressed with, I had to tell the world. The first one is 2nd Skin Quick Heal, by Spenco. It's an antibiotic-free gel with a form of hyaluronic acid in it that's supposed to speed healing and minimize scarring. And you know what? Methinks it works. Recall that I cut my hand last week on a piece of glass sticking out of a trash bag, and I was totally freaked out by the wound (I'm not sure if it counts as a cut, a laceration or a puncture) and worried about whether it would heal properly. So I obsessed about it to no end. And that's actually a rational response, considering that, since I am healthinsuranceless, if it got infected and I had to go to the emergency room, it would probably have been a $5,000 cut. But it didn't get to that point, thanks to my religious use of antibiotic ointment, bandages and vitamin placebos. AND 2nd Skin Quick Heal, which I've also been religiously using since it seemed I could discontinue the ointment. The cut is healing really well, and last night when I got out of the shower it almost looked like a paper cut. Nothing like the awful thing it looked like last week. So I highly recommend this product. Plus, I have a feeling hyaluronic acid is going to be the next big anti-wrinkle thing, so you could use this as an anti-aging gel and be ahead of the game. Go buy some today.

The second product is Pantene Pro-V Lightweight Conditioning Foam. It's a leave-in conditioner foam that's supposed to be volumizing as well. Now, there's a contradiction, you're thinking. A leave-in conditioner that adds volume?? Yeah, that's why I thought, but I needed a l.i.c. and I thought a foam would work, so I bought it. And you know what--it's miraculous! Truly miraculous! If you're an atheist like me and want a touch of the miraculous in your life, go get some of this stuff, because it truly is. I can't over-praise it. It leaves my hair soft, glossy AND full of volume. It's like a styling aid. I've never used anything like it. And it's so easy to use--just 1) wet hair and 2) plop in, and your hair will look incredible all day. No frizz, no glued-to-the-head look either. I'm loving this stuff. I'm even trying it on the cat tonight, because her coat could stand to look a little better. (I'm not really trying it on the cat.)

And alas, breaking news: a podcast of my show will not be available after all. There's just too much copyrighted material. And the world heaves a sigh. Well, I guess alls yalls are just going to have to stream it or listen live. Because I know alls yalls are going to be listenin', right?!?! raaiiiight?

Seriously, though, I'm not one of those people who is like, 'You have to listen to my show or you're a total asshole.' So don't feel obligated to listen, and then start seething with resentment and burning printouts of my picture and starting a Church of the Anti-Ed Shepp or anything. And don't go around telling everyone how much you hate me and putting up Anti-Ed Shepp websites. That would be the worst. I can't imagine anything worse than someone putting up an anti-Ed Shepp website that gets a lot of hits and gets a lot of people thinking about Ed Shepp. Please, everyone, don't ever do that.

And that's the beep for now.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

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Week

Now why do I put off writing blog entries until I'm all blase and badmoodified and have nothing at all to say? Why do I do that? Because I wouldn't be Ed Shepp if I didn't!

Last week was too much. There was just too much in last week. Monday I had to write this release and send it someplace; Tuesday--oh wait, maybe Tuesday was Monday. Drat! I can't remember! You see my brain has become orange jello. Wednesday I had another deadline for something written. Thursday I cut myself on a piece of glass that was jutting out of a garbage sack. And Friday my show, The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment, debuted on WFMU. Saturday & Sunday were less hectic, but I was all stressed about my cut hand and starting the show creation process anew, so I got to relax a little, but not RELAX. Notice the bold print.

I have to comment on the weather, because I've got that old-man-living-in-a-condo-on-Miami-Beach in me who says things like that, and if I don't let him out he'll constipate me, and then it's back on the pitted prune diet for yet another week. And no one wants that. Hey, can 'constipate' even be a transitive verb like that? Is transitive a word? Hmm, perhaps I just made up something new. Anyway, while the week started out all hot, by Friday it had turned perfect. As in how the weather must be in Perfect, CT, or wherever that town in the Walgreens commercial is. They don't tell you, because then everyone in the world will want to move there. (Actually, though, I think they just want to keep Jewish people out. Watch the Christmas commercials--not a menorah or dreidle in sight. And if the town's in Connecticut, that sounds about right.) So I'm walking around Friday, and even though I'm afraid my hand will be going all gangrenous if I don't spend every waking moment obsessing about it, I'm in a great mood. I don't think there's ever been such a perfect day in New York. Something must've been in the air. Maybe some antidepressant manufacturing plant or illicit drug lab had some kind of accident/spill and all kinds of happy molecules were in the air. It would explain how I saw the green fairy everywhere. Anyway, the day was beautiful, and by the time I left the station the evening had become achingly, heartbreakingly beautiful. The kind of day that makes you just want to walk down the street until you walk into a different life, like in that movie Big Fish, where Ewan M. walks through some swamp and lands in Perfect, AL. And like an idiot, he leaves. And I turn off the movie, because the character is such an idiot. Or because Family Guy is on. Well, we may never know, will we?

And damn if I have anything else to say, boos! Although I should mention that my Partydance was played on a podcast, and I think the DJ said after it ended that I sounded like "a right-wing Baz Luhrmann," which I thought was interesting, since I alluded to his Chanel commercial in the second verse of the song. ("I love to dance! I love to dance!!") Of course I'll have to listen to the podcast again--I mean, he could've said I sounded like a 'batty German' for all I know.

And that's the beep for now.

BEEP NEW:

Beep!
Ed Shepp

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