Friday, December 29, 2006

Happy Futhermocking New Year

So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different...

What song is that from??? It's been going through my head for days now, and I can't remember who did it. I used it in last year's New Years show, for Chrissakes!!

I want to write something NewYearsy, but I find that every sentence I type just keeps melting into venom, and I of course have to then retype them. What can I say? It's January.

This is the most horrible time of the year--the distraction of Christmas--you know, where we all gather round a tree and breathe in helium balloons and sing Dahoo Doores Dahoo Doores Welcome Christmas please don't fart--is over, and from now until May it's all short, cold, dreary days, mothball stinking coats and the physical effects of holiday cuisine showing up. It's also probably the only time of year I don't pine for Sweden, even though they have those light cafes there. Oh please please please please if you're rich and reading this, invest in my light cafe idea!!!! Just $500,000, please? Yeah, that comes with a happy ending. And don't knock the happy ending, either! Because if you can name anyone who's gotten that from me in the millennium, you're lying. It's a very exclusive club. And, in fact, I'm thinking of making it a real club, a la SoHo House or something. That idea stemmed from a piece of spam my roommate got--a message from some girl, I think she was named Heather (they're all named Heather), and she said that she thought he was cute and was inviting him to the special site/club that she created called, or whatever it was. And I was like, What a great idea! Why don't I start up! Although I'd rather start up Because really, why shouldn't I be sent to Sweden? Or Denmark or France or any of those places. Whoever you are, finding this blog searching for all those lewd things that I've never said, why don't you contribute to the Send Ed to Sweden Fund!?! Cheap bastard. Go join Heather's club; you're not wanted here.

Ahh, the bitterness. Good for you. Strengthens the jaw. Anyway, so how about new years resolutions? Does anyone make those anymore? Well, I do, out of nostalgia. It's like baking blackeyed peas and doing voodoo on New Years Eve--you know it's crap, but it's still kinda fun. I also like the whole putting-cigarettes-and-John-Waters-movies-in-a-basket-and-floating-them-down-the-river-at-sunrise thing. I think it gets you in good with some god or goddess. And if cigarettes, John Waters movies and red lights are what this god likes, you really wanna be on hir good side. Think of the parties! (Now think of the afterparties!) (Now think of the penicillin shots! Hello, Dr. Chase!) Oh, rambling anecdote time: we put these electric candles in the windows every Christmas. They used to have these deep orange, pretty much red bulbs. A high school friend said they looked Satanic. Well, this year the parents put in clear bulbs, which are brighter. But my Mom had an additional reason for using clear bulbs: "The red lights made the house look like a brothel." I think that's what she said. You know, as in Red Light District? File that under Hilarious Things I Never Thought I'd Hear From Mom. That reminds me too--before she visits me, I really need to take the bright red lights and gyrating silhouettes out of the window. Although the silhouettes are really just flowers and snowflakes, so maybe not.) /anecdote (See what I mean about being an ersatz geek?)

So back to the resolutions. What do I want to achieve in the new year? Well, I want to get that cold/remote/distant/mysterious thing down. I've kinda got the chilly down, even though it's mixed with a lot of wacky, but then ever and anon someone will tell me, "Ed, you're not cold and remote; in fact, I find you warm and open." And then of course I have to throw an onion in hir face. ("Onions in your face!" It's the new phrase for 2007, just like it was for 1999-2006.) Although maybe I should be throwing a peppermint onion--we are thinking cold, you know. See, the idea stems from some interaction of my obsession with Sweden, my limited knowledge of Warhol, some Gattaca-type aesthetic, and something I read long ago about Nicole Kidman and her "icy demeanor." That phrase always stuck with me. So that's what I want to be--inscrutable, unreachable, a little melancholic. (Believe me, I got the melancholic down! You should see my forlorn gaze. So hot. You'd totally be throwing your clothes off in a second. And I'd be saying, in my forlorn voice, "Is that 100% cotton?") So I'm guessing that I have to wear a lot of grey and talk a lot less, both of which I should do anyway because 1) I need clothes that hide stains and 2) I'm retarded. And autistic. And total trailer trash. So the less I say the better.

And on that note. Happy futhermocking new year. Or, rather, may I have a happy one and you have a just slightly-less happy one. But we're all happy, except I'm more so. Which you won't notice cux of the cold, opaque thing. So we ALL win. So, uh, send some money or something.

And as Miranda Priestly would say, That's oil.

Ed Shepp

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Recrapping Down Your Piehole

Why do I keep doing this--not updating this blog? One of these days my reader is just going to give up on me the way I gave up on that milk that's been in the fridge for a month now. The one that I'm afraid to touch. And then I'll be the one sitting in the refrigerator, stinking in my sourness, screaming, "Why will no one touch me?? TOUCH ME! IT'S SO EASY TO LEAVE ME....."

Oh wait. I do that now...

OK, I'm finna try to recap everything since, um, a long while ago while at the same time being brief. Brief? Yes, brief. So strap in, buckaroo, cux you're about to hop on a ride called Failure. Hmmm, that was my first dog's name. Anyway, here we go:

So I went to a screening of Perfume that Sniffapalooza put on. Afterward the peeps from Thierry Mugler spoke about the coffret they made that was inspired by the movie. First, some blips about the movie:
  • Come on, Dustin Hoffman, pick an accent and stick with it. I didn't believe your character AT ALL. It's so clear that you were put in just so the film could have a "name" that I almost think your entire role was some ironic joke. An industry thing? Anyone in the industry who can tell me?
  • To the lead: EAT SOMETHING! No wait--don't. I'm so jealous of your thinness I could spontaneously combust.
  • Sound design: liked it. Would have done some things different. Would have liked more audio (and visual) representation of the smells. One thing I keep mentioning to everyone: There was this scene where the protagonist (henceforth to be known as P) is following this woman. He's following her scent through some alleyways in Paris. Eventually the alleys open into a courtyard-type space and he realizes he's smelling her. The whole time there's some woman singing in an opera style in head voice--that same old thing. And there are strings or something backing here. I thought it woulda been cool if the singing were flattened while he was following the scent and then brought into tune with the strings when he realized the scent was from the girl. That's just my opinion. I know nothing. Except all the sound design I do for my radio show. Which would only be, uh, maybe superultramegaspectacular if I had the budget and time that I imagine (incorrectly, I'm sure) goes into a feature-length motion picture. Whatever.
  • The story: It wasn't made clear enough WHY this perfume is so megaspectacular. Someone explained to me later the line in the movie about "the soul of a thing is in its scent." That needed to be made clearer in the film.
  • Is the novel this over the top? Wow. This will never fly with general audiences, even considering the rampant stupidity of the public. And this coming from a retarded person (me)!!!
  • Geek moment: I mentioned to someone that the perfume was like The Ring (Orlando Bloom, not Naomi Watts). I mentioned just after that I felt a little embarrassed to have said that. She replied, "No, don't be ashamed of being a geek," and said something about Galadriel. Well here's the thing: yeah, I read digg, I use words like w00t and FTW, and sometimes I'll reference things like Lord of the Rings, but I'm not really a geek. So my response to her was, "ZOMG, Cate Blanchette is so great." The conversation chilled. I guess I'm an ersatz geek, or a geek manque. I don't intend to be. I'm just not a big geek, and I didn't mean to give that impression. Alas. As Marie Antoinette may have said, "Let them see fake."
And some blips from the luncheon afterward with the Mugler people:
  • Wow, that one guy from IFF--talk about sssssibilance! After listening to him speak, I realize that I had never known what sibilance is before, but now I do. I swear he could call dogs with his s's. I don't know how he did it.
  • They passed around some scents. Some I liked, but none would I spend real money on. There was a nice one called Virgin No. 1. It smelled kind of creamy, milky, a bit vanillic to me. The perfumer said they used headspace technology to capture the scent of an actual virgin. I found that gimmicky. Or "gadgety," as the perfumer might say. There was one scent called Human Existence--it was supposed to smell unpleasant, like a stinky human. (Why not just do headspace tech on the 3 train?) To me, it smelled like old person and eggnog. But not altogether unpleasant. And I know very unpleasant scents can be created. I was disappointed. And there was a jasmine absolute. I was excited to smell this one--real jasmine absolute!! From perfumers!!! I couldn't even imagine what it would smell like. Well, it smelled like jasmine absolute. With a weird finish. And not quite as much depth. I prefer the jasmine grandiflorum absolute at Enfleurage, which smells thick and creamy and even fruity and has that body that some people think stinks.
  • And now I finally know how I'm supposed to pronounce Mugler, although I'm still mispronouncing it out of habit. I think maybe I'll just keep mispronouncing it.
And that was Perfume, which was Saturday day. Saturday night I went to a dinner party hosted by the Veepster. What can I say if you don't know the Veep? Ummm, the food was great, the people were great, the apartment is amazing. Veep was Veep. And the light was low enough so that no one could see my hideousness. That's always nice. And I wore that brown shirt I love so well!

I hope you heard the last 4 shows, The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment's Liberal War on Christmas, because if you didn't, you missed out. I should've mentioned them before, but I've kinda fallen out of love with blogging, so eh. And now they're over. Hey, did you know that Roxette's It Must Have Been Love was originally a Christmas song, subtitled Christmas for the Brokenhearted? Yeah, they changed the phrase "Christmas Day" to "winter's day" for the regular version. Well, that's how I'm feeling about my xmas shows now--it must have been awesomeness, but it's over now. Sigh.

Oh yeah, and my party! (Can you tell I'm looking at a list of what I needed to mention?) It was pretty cool. Just a big excuse to show off all the lights. I'm in love with LED lights. They're so vivid. Thanks to everyone who came to the party. The pic atop this entry is from the party.

So now we reach Christmas: I went home, I overate, I went to Publix, I got NOTHING done, I got a great orange sweater and other stuff, and I got plastered on the flight home. It was mostly overcast, but the first day was amazing. There was something in the air, some ions or something. It felt like a late summer day. It was magical.

And now I'm back. And it ain't magical.

So lastly, if anyone's actually made it through this entry, you can click on this li'l audio file. It's sort of the experience of talking on the phone with me. Yes, it's an actual telephone conversation I had, except just my part and cut down. Click here for the file.

That's all.

Ed Shepp

Monday, October 30, 2006

Weekend Recaplet

Hey snuvvlepoogers. How was your weekend? Did you dress up like that 29th century Marie Antoinette Fantastiwhore from the inner city who is addicted to The Golden Girls and oozes a mystery peanut butter-and-pumpkin suspension from every laser-bullet hole?? You did?! Yaaaaaay!!! You must've been the best dressed Hallooweenster in the hizzy! I can tell you had fun, because of the way you're rocking back and forth and picking your face.

What did I do? Not a lot. What about Hallooween? Eh. Don't care this year. My Halloween Spooktacular aired. That's good enough fer me. Here's the breakdown of what I did do:

Friday I went to the station and got to see some nut overturn a big traffic divider while talking to some individual that I couldn't see. He yelled, "F*%$ your traffic cone and your... white thing!!!!" That and some other choice expletives, and he toppled the "white thing" {traffic divider} and went into the "restaurant" near the station. This restaurant--I've never seen it open. I'm convinced it's a drug running operation. Or a baby factory. Or a rogue paper mill. You never know up here in the Big City. After that I went home and meditated about all the hungry people in the world. And I ate a Reeses peanut butter cup in their honor. Do they know it's Halloween at all????

Saturday I got up early and did lots of forgettable nonsense before going to the station again. After I returned homenward, Jacob and I went to see Death of a President at the Angelika. Here are some short blorgps about the flim:
  • It strikes an unexpected somber, mournful tone. (Should that be unexpectedly? I'm a little retarded.) It was a tone that I expected, since I'd read a review of the movie beforehand. Although I was in the mood for something light and fun, I rallied for DoaP just so I could say that I saw it. Because it's probably banned everywhere except for New York, LA and San Francisco. Which I find kind of silly after watching it. A reviewer in Slate noted that it ends up center-right, politically, and that's true. It portrays the Left as wingnuts and gives a lot of screentime to the Right. Moreover, the aftermath of, er, The Event--it isn't really explored, except to mention something about the passage of a PATRIOT III Act. I thought it was going to plunge into full-on dystopia, but it didn't. Alas.
  • I didn't believe some of the accents. They were supposed to be "midwestern," I suppose, since the movie is set in Chicago; but some just didn't ring true for me. Nor for Jacob, who is from the Midwest. I kept wondering where the movie was flimed. It didn't help when someone said "lit-tra-lee" intead of "li-der-uh-lee." I said, "That's RP! J'accuse!" [Snort while doing that pig-nose expression where you pull up your nose. That's a lot of nose!]
  • Oh! I just remembered--the trailer for Perfume played during the previews. Yay for perfume! It opens Dec. 27th.
  • While mostly somber, the movie definitely had some comedic moments, not all of which were intended. The first was when reporters were at the hospital after ...The Event... and they ask some homeless person what happened in the ER. He says, "First they told us to get out. Then, they told us to get the HELL out." That was funny. Another funny moment: They used some footage of Dick Cheney speaking at a funeral. Whose I don't know, because Sandra Bullock wasn't there and I don't follow events she doesn't attend. Because we're such good friends. Anyway, Cheney says the name and a voiceover says, "George W. Bush." It's so bad--it's really funny. I think the whole theater laughed. The last really comedic moment: Someone in the movie is named Alouicious! No, wait, I mean Aloisius. No----Aloysius. Yeah, I had to look it up. Don't you think that's funny?? Don't you??!? Aloycious!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!! I thought it was funny. I mean, how often do you hear that name?! I think I actually said, "Whahappah" when I heard it. Either that or I passed gas, and there was no shortage of that, since I've gotten back into the fiber supplement community! Yay! Fiber!! [toot]
  • I know you're wondering. So I'll tell you. Yes, there were a couple people who clapped at... The Event. But out of a theater of about 50, only one person clapped loudly, and two others very quietly. Which is pretty surprising considering it was the Angelika, that hotbed of conforming rebellion.
  • All in all, I thought it was an OK movie. Until I read the Slate review, which pointed out that it was just like an episode of Frontline, which is what I thought it was supposed to be. But Slate said that it should have said something, and, now that I think about it--yeah! It should have! Sometimes Slate is just right on. (Sometimes, however, it's seriously full of it. But those times make for such good radio, don't they?)
And then Sunday it was so windy that I was afeared to go to the station, lest a vengeful piece of debris strike me down, so I planted myself on the couch and xoned out to the House marathon on USA. Yay!!!!! I think that's what really made it feel like a holiday weekend to me; I associate TV marathons with holiday weekends every since I watched the Comedy Central AbFab marathon one Txgiving. How impresborgn: AbFab: witty British lushes cavorting around London; House: a mean-in-a-witty-way American-except-really-British Vicodin-popper cavorting around New Jersey. Somehow I never foresaw the 21st century like that.

Speaking of House, if you like the show, check out the interview with one of the writers on Television Without Pity. You can find it yourself; you're a big gnooplet.

And that was my weekend. As a last note, some searches about that Pantene commercial with Let It Xnow in it landed a couple people on this blog. Wow, I remember that commercial--I hope it gets put in rotation again this year! It's so creeeeeepy, with that autotune-or-vocoder-or-something on the vocal; it really sounds like some kind of eerie Christmas robot coming to kill you with its bulletproof holiday cheer. Good stuff! And that's the beep for now gnooplets.

Ed Shepp

Friday, October 20, 2006


But like I said, I'm not sure if this going to law school is the best thing for you now. I mean, what about the pig farm you've been talking about for so long? Is that kaput? You have one piece of bacon and then you're like, "I want to live the good life and eat bacon at nice restaurants and go to conferences where the liquor and hos flow freely." I'm just not sold that you've really thought it out. It's like the time when you wanted to move to New Hampshire because you thought that there you'd be considered a "vocalist." Remember how that turned out? So what do you think?

That's how I start my emails these days. That and "What happened?" I like to pretend that I'm finishing up a conversation with someone else and just perchancé emailed the wrong person. I know, you're all like, "What happened to Hello, How are you?" Yeah, what happened to that? I think it went the way of "Let's hang out." That is, right down the poop pipes. Interestingly, no one has ever responded to an email like that by actually asking what I was talking about. But "what happened" seems to always generate a response. People usually start off with, "OMG, I thought I told you! Theirs so much going on in my life right now but I guess your refering to the beauty pageant I entered Anhedónia in---Yea I know shes a kintergarden but its never to soon to start learn to makeup!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm kidding. You didn't really think I'd email anyone who used the word "pageant," did you?

Anyway, here's the news: Lynndie England is featured in Marie Claire (no joke; they even refer to her as "the waiflike girl with the devilish grin"; I alerted them that the writer is on the pipe), George Michael and Elton John are competing for the honor/horror of Most Desperately Clinging to Fame, and...... The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment returns to the airwaves!!!!!! [huge, deafening applause]

That's right, poogatches! I redubuted October 12, with an episode about, what else, Hair. (Oddly, I neglected to include a Scenes from a Life about the time I got my hair dyed plum in college, which turned out half-plum/half-black, then after Sun-in+Miami went orange; eventually becoming a fried mop of brown rainbow atop my head, which my parents FORCED me to cut and dye back to brown. Damn the middle classes!!!!) And then last week was my Ed's Health Magazine Presents Your Best Halloween Ever, which was hopefully an obvious parody of Men's Health's Your Best Life Ever. And next week: My Halloween Spooktacular! Yay!!!

Yea I know I guess I should have posted something sooner. But in between drinking alone and street preaching and my Campaign Against Butt-Length Hair (CABLuHa), I just haven't had a free moment. But nowst I do, and here you are. So the show's back, now on Thursdays, 6-7pm on WFMU 91.1 and; and I have a new theme! You can download it here for the big file, and here for the littler file. And here for the vocals-only file, in case you want to remixalate it. (Oh, and here for the Blips, which are also for remixalation.) Interestingly, during the first show, someone called up and said that the song made him feel like he was covered in Prell (although he may have said Pert Plus) and had calamari poured down his pants. I'm not quite sure how to take that, or even if I quoted it correctly, or if the calamari were fried or, eh, not fried. Anyway, download the theme and lemme know, beeplers. And don't forget to tune in! Even you, Psychosurgery!

What else? Well, we all know I'm obsessed with Sweden, since I'm convinced that everyone there is a beautiful, supereducated, well-mannered liberal atheist; and that their sewer system is F*&%&$IN HELLACIOUSLY CAPITAL, smelling of peach leaves, bitter almond and efficiency. So naturally, of course, I took it personally when they voted in a center-right government in The Big Election they just had. It was quite a shock; like failing 4th grade all over again, except that now the teacher spoke Swedish instead of Spanish. For a while I just didn't get out of bed, but I'm better now. I can hold down solid foods and move my bowels without laxatives and Zelnorm. I think it's going to be all right, and that's not the Ex-Lax talking this time.

Speaking of Sweden, I've decided that my new favorite movie is Wild Strawberries, followed closely by Scary Movie III. Oh, that movie (the former). So good, it is. I've seen it about 4 times, I think, and I can tell you that about halfway through the 2nd time you lose that sense that every character is the Swedish Chef. Bork bork bork bork! Seriously, it's so good I think y'all have to call me Evald from now on; cux watching that movie, I was like, I AM Evald, except I'm almost completely different! Of course it is a downer of a movie, so if you're looking for fun watch Scary Movie III. Or Drawn Together, which has me LOLing like crazy, almost as if I'm watching a cartoon version of Frasier.

And that's all I've got for you now, gwiplettes, as I have to be off to get my Friday butt wax at Tiffany's.

Ed Shepp