Thursday, October 27, 2005

Madonna Etc.

A Hallooboobooweegeran coupon for you!Guck, I'm watching that Madonna documentary now. Blips:

--Wow! She finally learned how to sing! Well, sing better (through her nose, apparently). That's if the clip from her tour is any indication. And I'm not sure it is, because her voice is all raspy when she speaks, and then it's clearer when she sings. ......OK, now she's doing Holiday--maybe I spoke too soon about her being able to sing.

--Sometimes Madonna looks like Sheryl Crow, but sometimes she looks like Baby Jane. She looks great in those glasses she wears.

--Her daughter looks and talks like her. Neither are very good things, since she'll be spending a lot of time getting those eyebrows waxed and trying to soften that pretentious accent. (I still hold that it's not a fake British accent, but attempted 'diction' taken too far. It's the harsh glottal stops that screw it all up.)

--I don't think I could suffer through a whole Madonna concert, all that kaballah crap and video shots of church choirs and stuff.

--There was a scene with Madonna's daughter telling knock knock jokes that were the very opposite of funny. Of course someone was laughing--her little brother who was what? 1 year old? But then they weren't funny only because they were really generic. I would actually love to have a bunch of people over one time where we tell the worst, most generic, unfunny knock knock jokes and not laugh.

--There's this great font she's using periodically that almost makes the scenes look like an Hermes ad. Almost.

--Madonna would have made a helluva impression in Israel if she'd worn a Hannibal Lecter mask when she landed there. And Madonna asks in her Hermes font if she can really make a difference? Not unless everyone in the Middle East turns out to actually be gay.

--GOD DAMN, Madonna!!! Leave songs like Imagine alone!!!!!!!!! You need some kind of restraining order---keep 500 feet away from all classic songs! Someone take this biotch to International criminal court!

OK, that's enough of that, because I'm sure there are 600 million gayer-than-I-could-even-conceive blogs that are very seriously liveblogging this thing.

Beep. I was going to write something else, but methinks I'll save it for later, since myne posts have become so sporadical lately. But I shall end thusly: Everyone listen to my radio show this week, The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment, cux it's my Halloween show!! And it's awesome!!! It has (the updated) How Ed Shepp Saved Halloween on it, and also lots of pieces from last year's Halloween issue of Another Ed Shepp Magaxine-Type Thinglet. It rocks, so listen in on WFMU 91.1FM or (Fridays 6-7pm)!!

And that's the beep for now, gnorklets.

Ed Shepp

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Grace & Bob

So here's the thing: I was watching Will & Grace the other day, and part of the storyline was that Grace couldn't get people over for a dinner party (or something therelike), and I had the li'l epiphany we all do when the suspension falters in our disbelief: She's gorgeous! And funny! And has a great job and apartment! There's no way in hell that she wouldn't have, like, 50 people at any party she chose to give! And she's gorgeous! It goes without saying that Will is also gorgeous, so it makes no sense that either of them don't have 100 million friends and lines and lines of wannabe lovers beating down their doors. I suppose some people would say here that the reason they don't is that they're completely neurotic and drive people away. I say puh-leeeeze. If you knew someone who looked like Grace Adler, it wouldn't matter how neurotic she is or isn't.

And then it occurred to me: You know how you'll be watching a show like Will & Grace or Friends or what not, and they'll bring on for one episode a character who is supposed to be really, really gorgeous and everyone's all about him (what I'm referring to generally happens with male characters), but you look at him and you're like, 'He's not hot.' I know why he's never hot! Because we as the audience are being asked to believe that people like Debra Messing, Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow are average people, or maybe a-little-cuter-than-average New Yorkers, and that they're so Everyday People that they can't even get a date. So that when the show brings on someone who is supposed to be so hot that these (ostensibly average) girls go crazy, he would have to be so scorching hot that just filming him would burn up the camera. And anyone less would just look kinda plain. So that's why these guys never look very attractive, cux the expectation is so high. Maybe that's done on purpose. Oddly, I don't think it works the same with female characters. Generally when a girl is brought on who is supposed to be really hot, she is. But then I can't remember. Whatever!

Another TV-related thing: Bob, that icky Quiznos baby who speaks like a 40-year old Long Islander. Why is he talking about food as if he eats? He's not old enough to eat solid food! He couldn't fit a sandwich in his mouth! This is what I always think when I see this commercial. I think it would be much, much more interesting if he spoke about food as if he ate, but it was clear that he'd never eaten and didn't know what he was talking about--he was kinda just trying to ape how he's seen people talk about food. Kind of like how we all talked about sex before we had it or really knew what it was. Remember when you were aware of sex but didn't know anything about it, but you still kinda had to talk about it around certain friends, so you just kinda said what you thought might be the right things (but it came out all stilted and you didn't realize)? That's how I'd like to see the Quiznos kid talk about the subs. All off-kilter, to where you see that he's never actually eaten solid food but is talking like he knows what the experience of it would be. I don't know how the writers would go about making it look like that (it would take someone with ability), but it would be amazing if they could pull that off. That would be seriously interesting.

And that's the beep for now, ganzowlets!!

Ed Shepp

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Baking A Nuffin Muffin

My computer wallpaperWell, I'm sure everyone without exception has been wondering incessantly why I haven't been posting. Have you been on the edge of your seat waiting with baited breath for the reason? OK, here it is. Wait! Are you ready? You ready? OK, here it is:

I got nuthin.

And that's the reason, full on undiluted like whale fat, baby.

So since I got nuthin, I'll refer to Mark Baratelli's recent posts. In a recent one, he begins: So two sources told me the quickest way to kill a blog, and the interest of blog readers, is to not post regularly. Yep, that sounds about right. True. If I indeed have a 'readership,' then it must have gone off and committed Hairy Carrie by now. Alas! But he's right--if you want to kill your readership, just don't post for a while. If you don't believe it, check. Don't post. As Madonna said, "I have truth on my side; you have cellulite. You'll see." In his newest post, Baratelli delivers more sage wisdom: Shu[t] your f**** mouths! Stop sharing s*** that might embarrass you in the future..or in the f**** now for that matter! God people. Even I, the king of Courtney Love self-revelation will say "Email me if you want to know the embarassing story of the day"! He's making a good point that you should'nt post really personal, intimate things on your blog that you wouldn't want to come back and bite you next year or next week. It's true. However, I would argue that I, in fact, am the reigning king of Courtney Lovian cathartirrhea, but that's just a li'l point.

Well that's that, then. Otherwise I pretty much got nuthin. So I'll tell ya what's up and down this week: I'm lovin: friendster's Your Profile Has Been Viewed By thing (add me, biotches!); Lindsay Lohan and her car crashin ways; the arrival of autumn and the pumpkin ubiquity it brings (the picture opening this entry is my computer wallpaper); and low-carb ice cream bars (they taste as close to regular as you're gonna get). I'm NOT lovin: that terabyte email thing, which I think is a hoax; humidity; blogger/friendster spam; and, which I thought was going to be a good resource until I read the orgy of idiocy they call the 'comments' section.

And that's all I got for ya, beepners! Any suggestions on a Halloween costume for me this year? I was gonna be John Smith (as in Pocahontas), but I dunno if I can find a suitable costume. Whatevah!

Ed Shepp