Thursday, January 20, 2005

When the Cuts Ain't Super, You Gots to LAUNCH

NEVER go hereIt is a dark day in Ed Shepp hair history.

Yesterday I did something against all the common sense in the world: I went to Supercuts. Not for a haircut per se, but just to trim away some of the mess on the sides and back of my head, as my hair had overgrown like crazy. See, I'm bad at planning for haircuts, so I needed to get something quick, something walk-in, and since it was so frigid I didn't want to go all over town. There's a Supercuts a block away from my house, so I went there.

My theory with Supercuts is that if you just tell them to give you a trim and stress that you do NOT want them to take any length off or attempt to give any shape to the hair, then they can't fuck it up too badly. Well, that theory's been exploded right out of the binglesphere! I told the girl, just a trim--don't take any length at all, just trim the sides and the back. She asked me if she should thin the sideburns and I said just get rid of them, since I flat out don't know how to grow good sideburns. She got rid of them all right--they're shaved up higher than my ear and look totally ridiculous. I am not exaggerating when I say I seriously look developmentally disabled.

The cut as a whole was also a monstrosity, but I'm sure with enough product I can, with exception of the sideburns (that will hopefully grow back quickly), style it into something not so insane. Looking at the cut when she was finished, I almost cried. It was clear that she had no idea how to cut hair. I looked worse than the biggest geek in the 80s--fluffed on the top, brushed back on the sides, too long on the back for what she must've been going for. This I don't understand--why is it that I go into a place with my hair DOWN, HANGING DOWN, and they brush it BACK or fluff it up?!?! This happens often enough to lead me to believe that most hairdressers have some kind of thinking disorder. Back to my haircut--I brushed it DOWN when I got home and it's not the WORST I've ever seen (but comes close); however, I parted it today, and I just saw it in the mirror and I look like Lynndie England. That's not a good thing. If anyone has any hair growth-accelerating potions, please let me know.

And since I'm talking about bad haircuts, I have to mention that I can't go to Salon Ziba on 57th St. anymore. I actually once got a decent haircut there, but the last time I was there some older Russian woman cut my hair and used THINNING SHEARS on the BANGS! What kind of shitbrain uses thinning shears on the top/front hair on a white man with fine, stick-straight hair?? I looked like I had a severely advanced case of alopecia. So I can never go there again--I just can't. I mean, it should be obvious that you don't use thinning shears on a man's bangs (can a man have "bangs"?--I'm not sure if that's the right word for it). Isn't it obvious?! I should think it's just such common sense as to not need mentioning. And now I must stop talking about all the bad haircuts I get, before it upsets me. Maybe I'll chant for a good haircut or something. Nam myo ho ren ge kyo.....

On an entirely different note, I was stunned in a good way to see that I have a page on LAUNCH Music. I happened to google myself and see it in the right hand corner. How cool! Cux you can't just build a profile on LAUNCH (if you could, I'd have pix and a bio there; right now it's bare fucking bones); they have to make it for you. I feel like it's my version of my actor friends' imdb pages. So coolners. So so coolners. So that's a bright spot in what's otherwise a day of hair mourning.

And that's the beep for now.

Ed Shepp


Jase said...

You SO need to post up pictures. Document it, so that next time, you can go back to the same hairdresser and say, "Not like this."

Jon said...

Oh no! You know that chain called Jean Louis David that's all over the city? I went there once when I was in college and they made me look like a lesbian! For real- it was like I said 'Please make me look like a sterotypical bull dyke'---and I'm an Asian guy!

I learned my lesson, and now I alternate between getting my hair cut at a Japanese place in the East Village where i get a free 5 minute massage and having my friend (who is a stylist) cut it for free. Anyway, I'm sure you're still cute- the Special Ed look (Cranyankers reference) is in. Wait, your name is Ed....hmmmm. :P