Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Vapid TV Beep.

I watched TV last night. So let's talk about it.

I saw that show Wild On Tara for a little while. (I don't understand what the title means for the life of me.) I knew it was going to be stupid, and I was right. From what I watched, I determined that the whole show is just Tara Reid doing something and then telling everyone what she did, which is what they just saw. And, of course, adding an incisive comment like, 'That was so fun.'

One thing I didn't realize (well, I didn't realize the full extent of it) was that Tara Reid really is Emporer Queen of the Skanks. She's fat-looking and all around gross. And I can't remember what else I was going to say about her. The most interesting scene of the show was when TR and Paris Hilton went dancing. From the show's footage, I can determine that Paris Hilton is an abysmal dancer. Not like an Eileen Benes, but more like a boring office assistant. As for Tara, remember those 'dancing flowers' that people used to buy? Well, that's kinda how Tara looks dancing, except that instead of a flower, it's a cardboard box filled with silicone. That or a gross, really butch lesbian.

After watching that monstrosity for a short while, I flipped to some infomercial with Victoria Principal being interviewed by Mary Hart. Mary Hart looked like a clown, and seeing her like that made me feel bad for her. It's like they had to make her look REALLY crazappy so VP would look better. Mary Hart had garish butter-yellow hair (not unlike some recent incarnations of Nicole Kidman) and weird curls that made her a little frightening; her skin was MUCH fairer than in her ET days (it did not look good with the popcorn head); and in the worst lapse of fashion judgment, she was wearing this rich-in-B-vitamin-urine suit that just tuned the whole ensemble to a very Bozo note. She looked comical and ghastly, like an evil clown. Victoria Principal, of course, looked really good for her age. Whoever dyes HER hair does a really good job. And she looked great throughout the infomerical, except for the part where she took off her makeup for the camera. Her skin looked fine, but with her hair pinned back as it was, her eyebrows looked to be about 2 miles higher on her forehead than they should have been. Kinda like Divine.

But speaking of high-on-the-head, I saw most of another episode of Kathy Griffin's thing, Life on the D-List. She had a li'l segment where people were putting makeup on her for her party. (There must be something about makeup transitions that uglifies people.) And they had her hair pinned back (or maybe it's hair-backpinning), and you could really see, FULL EFFECT, how high her hairline is. It's, like, halfway up her head! I think there's something wrong there, but I'm not sure. Can a woman's hairline be so high normally? Was it that high in Suddenly Susan? Is she balding? And if she is, how is it that she's got that forehead-retreating-south type instead of the crop-getting-thinner all over type? Anyway, she should avoid that look. She really does look like Dracula, and I'm not exaggerating here. But I guess she's OK with it, so good for her, then. (But it's still not a good look. Why not just wear a wig? Her impersonator did, and had better hair.)

And that's the vapid TV beep for now, ganoozles.

Ed Shepp

1 comment:

Mark Baratelli said...

You want to see skank?