The Vapid TV Beep.

I watched TV last night. So let's talk about it.

I saw that show Wild On Tara for a little while. (I don't understand what the title means for the life of me.) I knew it was going to be stupid, and I was right. From what I watched, I determined that the whole show is just Tara Reid doing something and then telling everyone what she did, which is what they just saw. And, of course, adding an incisive comment like, 'That was so fun.'

One thing I didn't realize (well, I didn't realize the full extent of it) was that Tara Reid really is Emporer Queen of the Skanks. She's fat-looking and all around gross. And I can't remember what else I was going to say about her. The most interesting scene of the show was when TR and Paris Hilton went dancing. From the show's footage, I can determine that Paris Hilton is an abysmal dancer. Not like an Eileen Benes, but more like a boring office assistant. As for Tara, remember those 'dancing flowers' that people used to buy? Well, that's kinda how Tara looks dancing, except that instead of a flower, it's a cardboard box filled with silicone. That or a gross, really butch lesbian.

After watching that monstrosity for a short while, I flipped to some infomercial with Victoria Principal being interviewed by Mary Hart. Mary Hart looked like a clown, and seeing her like that made me feel bad for her. It's like they had to make her look REALLY crazappy so VP would look better. Mary Hart had garish butter-yellow hair (not unlike some recent incarnations of Nicole Kidman) and weird curls that made her a little frightening; her skin was MUCH fairer than in her ET days (it did not look good with the popcorn head); and in the worst lapse of fashion judgment, she was wearing this rich-in-B-vitamin-urine suit that just tuned the whole ensemble to a very Bozo note. She looked comical and ghastly, like an evil clown. Victoria Principal, of course, looked really good for her age. Whoever dyes HER hair does a really good job. And she looked great throughout the infomerical, except for the part where she took off her makeup for the camera. Her skin looked fine, but with her hair pinned back as it was, her eyebrows looked to be about 2 miles higher on her forehead than they should have been. Kinda like Divine.

But speaking of high-on-the-head, I saw most of another episode of Kathy Griffin's thing, Life on the D-List. She had a li'l segment where people were putting makeup on her for her party. (There must be something about makeup transitions that uglifies people.) And they had her hair pinned back (or maybe it's hair-backpinning), and you could really see, FULL EFFECT, how high her hairline is. It's, like, halfway up her head! I think there's something wrong there, but I'm not sure. Can a woman's hairline be so high normally? Was it that high in Suddenly Susan? Is she balding? And if she is, how is it that she's got that forehead-retreating-south type instead of the crop-getting-thinner all over type? Anyway, she should avoid that look. She really does look like Dracula, and I'm not exaggerating here. But I guess she's OK with it, so good for her, then. (But it's still not a good look. Why not just wear a wig? Her impersonator did, and had better hair.)

And that's the vapid TV beep for now, ganoozles.


Beep!
Ed Shepp

Blog CDs MP3s Radio Show Pix

The Beep List

My, I've been amiss about updating myne blog lately. Sigh, alas... I must have blog depression.

First thing's first: this blog is cracked out. Lady Raptastic - For Your Reading PLEASURE (I'm presuming 'pleasure is pronounced 'play-zhur') It's funnzdy.

I saw that Kathy Griffin show My Life on the D-List the other night. (Is it significant enough to call a vehicle? Is 'D-List' hypenated? I hope not--hyphenating it makes me think of 'D-cup.') It was more entertaining (and more honest) than I expected. Salon was right, though--the special that followed it was funnzdier. Who knew that a comedian just talking about her life would be funny? Cux that's all her standup was, and yet it was funnzdy. Still, watching it just reminded me of my personal issue with this whole 'list' thing. How many lists are there? And who is on what list? And who decides? (KG's parents, for instance, would put her at solid B-list.)

So again I'm calling for someone to actually delineate the lists: Someone please make some literal lists, so that we all know who's on what list and can talk about this intelligently. Has someone done this yet? Apart from some publicist making a guest list? Is there an A/B/C/D list like there's a best/worst dressed list? If there isn't, well, isn't it about time for one? I propose that, for list purposes, we stop at D, and everyone beyond D is 'not on the list.' So now who is on what list? I wish there were some wiki-type site where people could add names and commentary. I guess the final arbiter of the lists would have to be Hollywood publicists or something of the like. But if that's the case, then I suppose there would have to be separate lists for New York and L.A. And if that's the case, then I guess I'll have to print up T-shirts that say 'I'm on the list in New York' like that person in SoHo who sold the 'I'm famous in New York' T-shirts. And if there are NYC and LA lists, then you might as well have an NYC downtown list. And I'm going to keep suggesting new lists until I fucking land on one, coddamnit!!!

But that's enough of that. Let's talk about something important: I realized today that I'm just dying to hang out with Elizabeth Berkley. So if anyone out there knows her, please, um, do something or whatever. Tell her to hang out with me. Hypnotize her or something. I wonder what she's like. I bet she's more like Nomi Malone than Jesse Spano. I bet she drinks coffee, but hates how it gives her coffee breath. I bet she uses Aveda hair products, but wishes that they had the hair-improving properties of higher-tech products. I bet she has about 4 scented candles in her house and they're high-quality but not the best. I could help with that. Ooh! Yes--if you know her, tell her that you have the BEST candle-shopping companion, and tell her to move to New York so we can hang out. If she doesn't already live here, cux, like, I don't know that kind of stupid shit. I think Elizabeth Berkley is solidly D-list; no, wait: C-list. She'd easily make B if she did some animated Disney film. Right?

And that's all the beep for now, gbeeplets, cux I have to go learn about candles so I'm ready for Elizabeth Berkley.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Blog CDs MP3s Radio Show Pix