Friday, May 06, 2005

Petits Blips Ganoozs

OK, blips about peeps & stuff. OK for ! I'm not sure if I really buy the whole trying-hook-up-with-a-70-year-old bit, but you never know, and I really hope it's true. Cux think about how uplifting it is if it is true: If Colin Farrell wants a 70something woman, then every one of us, old/young/male/female/whatever has a chance!! Colin Farrell has democratized beauty! Or sex! Or whatever! He's democratized something, and I say YOU GO, BOO! YOU MY BOO! BOO! What I think happened was that he bust into this woman's dressing room and offered to give her some of it, but hid her vaginal moisturizer, so when she couldn't find it, she kept turning him down, deciding to wait for a better time. And he did this just so the story would get out and everyone would love him for the sexual panthingist that he's pretending to be. And hey, if his stunt makes people start wanting to hook up with people 30-40 years their senior, then he's already done some good in this world. Hmmm, I wonder if it was some kind of community service, maybe some kind of karmic community service. And if that's the case, that must mean he's got Buddha's unlisted number or something. Hey, does that mean that if I come on to someone really way old that I'll get good karma? Hmmm, maybe I'm overreaching here. But you know what? You know how that book says that if you think of committing a sin, then you've already committed it in your heart? Well, I bet it goes both ways, right? So by thinking of offering it to someone really old, I've already done it in my heart, so I should get the karma points! YES! Thanks, Buddha! (I actually came up with this theory a few days ago when I was walking home and passed this woman who was checking every pay phone on the street for a leftover quarter; I thought to myself, 'Damnz, I should just give the beeyotch the change I just got.' I almost did, but that would involve reaching into my pocket and what not, and I was soooo tired, so pfft. But I realized after I didn't do it that if I thought it, then I did it in my heart, so I should get universe points for that. Or something.) But back to Colin, who obviously I would call Colleen if I knew him persionally: What say everyone about this news bit? Do you think it really happened? Are Irishmen just such horndogs that they'll bump anything? Should I be surfing orbit for trips to Dublin?

The opposite of Colin Farrell (when he looks good; I saw a pic of him where he looked kinda puffy) would be the current incarnation of Tobey Maguire. Damnz he's FAT! I love it, though. I just wish he'd do some kind of spread in People or Us or Vanity Fair while he's still a fat, gambling addict. Maybe Hayden Xtensen could show up with his greasy self. I just think it'd be cool if he had a huge (!) portfolio of him while he's all fat. Firstly, it would just make for cool-looking art in the right hands, and I'm available if you're reading this, ________ (insert name of Vanity Fair editor here). But secondly, seeing Tobey Maguire all fattified warms the heart of the American public. We don't feel so fat and disgusting and bereft of willpower as we usually do. I love it. Thank you, Tobey, for that unselfish gift!

Another overdue item: Kelly Clarkson. I forgot to mention that I saw that rerun of her on Saturday Night Live. Or maybe I didn't forget, but I think I did. From Ed to Kelly: please, gursh, get control of your hair. Ditch the blond and go red, cux you look so much like Debra Messing anyway, and she's really pretty. Just look like her. As for how she sounded, interestingly, she didn't sound good on the songs she did, but in the skits she was, of course, phenomenal. And the biatch can act too! Coolznerzbot!

Well, I could yak about cheerleaders and buginda roast coffee, but I don't think this midday coffee has enough of a kick to get me through allz of that, so I'm just finna declare this the beep for now, beeplets.

Ed Shepp

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