Garbanzos of Fond, Britney-Style!

So Five is almost ready to come out of its shell. The image at left (by Mark Baratelli) isn't the final cover for it (although that's almost done), but it's the inspiration for it. The new one, featuring five Eds looking ravishing in red gingham, is a bit more 'Evlis-y,' I'm told. If you haven't heard anything from Five, there are a few things online (click for each): Pigfucker and Le C Est Pour Chatte here, and Partydance on fluxblog today. Let's hear it for fluxblog! Yay! ...And I'll prolly be uploading A Brief Introduction soon, maybe for a limited time, cux limited times are so coolzbot. One thing a lot of people like about the piece is its rhyme scheme, which follows: A A A A A B B B B B C C C C D D D E E F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F G H G H.

One thing I love about something of mine being featured on fluxblog is the huge increase in traffic myne own blog gets for a li'l while. It's always nice to get more hits. Being linked to by another site is one way to increase traffic. Another way, apparently, is to yak about certain celebrities. I recently experienced a jump in traffic from a post where I briefly mentioned my friend Veep briefly mentioning to me that Hayden Xtensen was spotted making out with his BF in WeHo. That got on some Hayden fansite, where someone linked to me (and called me 'harsh'--I was like, 'I'm not harsh!' Then I read my own entry and was like, 'Wow, that was harsh.') and spiked my traffic. And now again someone linked to the same entry from their blog, same topic. Wow! Who knew I'd become something of an authority on a Hayden Christensen rumor?! If I had an inkling that might happen, I'd definitely have changed the wording around in the entry, probably mentioning that Veep is a 'film industry insider' and trying to play off that I had the scoop on the whole incident, when in fact I think that came originally from towleroad. As for the linkers, I only read a teetsy bit from the site that first linked to me--the whole site smelled of teenage estrogen, so I didn't want to read too far into it. I'm sure they were all like, 'He's just jealous of Hayden, blah blah blah blah... ' Am I jealous of Hayden Christensen? Why, because he's extremely goodlooking and has a great career where he can make a lot of money and get a ton of acclaim? Wha? Why on earth would I be jealous of that?! NO ONE would be jealous of that!!

Ooh, a segway: Speaking of movies, I got to see The Day After Tomorrow a few days ago on cable on-demand. What a stupid movie! I'm so glad I didn't see it in theaters! There weren't even any mind-blowing special effects, which is why I wanted to see the movie anyway. Such a letdown. 1 tardo movie down, 1 to go: A friend is pressuring me to watch Gigli, because it's "not that bad." She wants me to watch it to see that it's not as bad as all the hype made it out to be (according to her). Since when did people start demanding others see movies simply because the movies aren't as bad as they thought? They're still bad! Clearly I'm behind the times, cux I still recommend movies to people because the movies are good and worth seeing. Another movie note: Lars Von Trier's next movie in the Dogville trilogy is out, I think. Or it's in festivals or something. I can't wait to see it, but if it's anything like Dogville, I'm going to have to prepare myself somehow. That movie was so long and the absence of sets was fatiguing to me (but I LOVED the ending). It struck me as pretty Scandinavian, I guess--kinda depressing but edifying in the end, like Bergman. Is that right? Eh. Anyway, he called GWB an asshole, which I found funny. And lastly on the movie tip, I'm definitely going to see Star Wars while it's in the theaters--I'm not flaking out this time! I haven't seen any of the prequels, and indeed, I haven't seen any of the originals, unless you count seeing the first of the movies in the theaters when I was too young to really remember it. I'm going to try to see it with a friend who's obesessed with SW--he even gets hired to be Darth Vader at appearances! He can explain to me everything that's happening on the screen.

And now for TV blips: That Britney show is just unwatchable. Blech. And I'm glad Naima won America's Next Top Model--she had the most personality of all the girls, which is actually saying very little.

Lasterly, I've said it before and I'll say it again: amNew York is the Worst. Paper. Ever. Every time I read it I notice some error or clumsy language or typo or something. Yesterday there was an article on HPV--the human papilloma virus. It actually appeared in an advice column section. The advice giver said that 'most people don't know' that HPV can be cleared up quickly with antibiotics. !!!! 'Most people' don't know this because it's NOT TRUE. You can treat a virus with antibiotics! And what's an advice columnist doing giving medical advice anyway?!?! You'd think she could have at least consulted someone in healthcare, but then this is amNew York, where the standards are kept low low low.

And that's the beep for now, beeplets!

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Squawk

A quick post about a busy weekend. Friday Jason and I took pictures in Riverside park. Mostly of me, but some of him as well. The one to my left is (obviously) one of me. I think it's funny because it looks like my arms are a million miles long, like Plasticman or Freddy Krueger. Paulie thinks the expression on my face is funny. He says it looks in the picture like I'm blind and that I'm floating or something. Looking at the rest of the pictures, though, I'd have to say that I find myself unusual-looking.

Saturday I went from gwibble to gwabble and in between, starting off the morning in Jersey City, moving to Park Slope in the afternoon and then gwangling around SoHo later, before heading home. By the end of the day my CD was finished and another project nearly done. And Sunday I continued with that other project, and now it's done too. Add in the fact that my column was due over the weekend, and you have a lot that I accomplished. Yay!

And apart from that, I just don't have a lot to squawk about.

BEEP 2:

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Five Beep

It's beautiful outside today. You know what? Spring is beautiful in New York, I gotsta say it! All the flowers and flowering trees everywhere, and the new green on the other trees--it rocks! Today is a good day.

And for some good news: I finished recording my 5th CD (entitled Five)! YAY! So now just a couple more steps to do and I can get it out there to the world. I uploaded a couple pieces from it to my soundclick: Pigfucker [lyrics] (they automatically censored the title), about renaming someone who's a bastard, and Le C Est Pour Chatte [lyrics], the "French radio mix" of The P Is for Pussy. Send it to all your French-speaking frienz. Go on, send it! So that's what I uploaded. Also on the CD is Swamp, Daria Cayne Modeling Academy and If U Wanna Party, Come on Out and Dance and If U Wanna Dance, Come on Out and Party, which I'll probably rename before printing the CD labels. So that's the 411 on that!! Beep! (Oh yeah, the image above is one of Mark Baratelli's prototype designs for the cover of Five--check out the rest of them here.)

Weekend recap: This weekend was horrible! Healthwise, that is. Friday night I went to Whole Foods in Time Warner Center late, right before they closed. I got some groceries, but I also got some of those shrimp they have under heat lamps near the aisles. I've eaten them before, and they're generally pretty dried out and unpalatable by the end of the night, so I only got a few, in case they were gross. But Friday they weren't dried out at all! They were moist and soft and delicious! I ate those and had this yogurt probiotic-type drink I love so well at the same time. Well, later that night I developed painful gas pressure in my entrails, which wouldn't go away and wouldn't escape. So what did I go? All the wrong things. Did I got to get Gas X? No--I thought it would go away, and I didn't want to get outta bed. Did I take a few caffeine pills in the morning, thinking that, because caffeine has a laxative effect it would move everything outta my stomach? Yes. Did I take a fiber pill, thinking that would further increase BM potential? Yes. Wrong, wrong and wrong.

OK, I dunno about the first one--the Gas X. I don't know if taking it would've helped. But the caffeine and fiber were no-nos. I should have realized that the caffeine would just irritate my stomach (it increases acid production) and the fiber would just produce further gas. So anyway, all day Saturday my belly swelled with gas (literally--it hurt to pull in my belt!) which progressively got more painful, in spite of the Gas X and charcoal that I took. By the end of the day it was burning, at which point I realized that caffeine + virtually no food all day long = a very acidic stomach, so I got some antacids and an acid reducer, and after I took those felt much better, but still rather like a stretched-out balloon from the gas. Sunday I was a li'l better but still sore. I may have been sore from some cramping, or it may have been the ileocecal bowel massage thing that someone showed me once and I tried to do (supposedly it's supposed to get gas out); I think I did it wrong. Anyway, now I'm much better (just in time for the work week, of course). So that was my food poisoning experience for the weekend.

Here's another experience I had over the weekend: I was at Strand on 12th street, and someone asked me 'Do you work here?' I'm taking that to mean that I look like a 22-year old hipster. Of course, someone also asked me that same question at some garden store on Sunday, and I know I don't look Mexican (like the workers there), so I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe it just means that I look knowledgable and authoratative. Yeah, that's it.

And that's pretty much the beep for now.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Petits Blips Ganoozs

OK, blips about peeps & stuff. OK for Colin Farrell! I'm not sure if I really buy the whole trying-hook-up-with-a-70-year-old bit, but you never know, and I really hope it's true. Cux think about how uplifting it is if it is true: If Colin Farrell wants a 70something woman, then every one of us, old/young/male/female/whatever has a chance!! Colin Farrell has democratized beauty! Or sex! Or whatever! He's democratized something, and I say YOU GO, BOO! YOU MY BOO! BOO! What I think happened was that he bust into this woman's dressing room and offered to give her some of it, but hid her vaginal moisturizer, so when she couldn't find it, she kept turning him down, deciding to wait for a better time. And he did this just so the story would get out and everyone would love him for the sexual panthingist that he's pretending to be. And hey, if his stunt makes people start wanting to hook up with people 30-40 years their senior, then he's already done some good in this world. Hmmm, I wonder if it was some kind of community service, maybe some kind of karmic community service. And if that's the case, that must mean he's got Buddha's unlisted number or something. Hey, does that mean that if I come on to someone really way old that I'll get good karma? Hmmm, maybe I'm overreaching here. But you know what? You know how that book says that if you think of committing a sin, then you've already committed it in your heart? Well, I bet it goes both ways, right? So by thinking of offering it to someone really old, I've already done it in my heart, so I should get the karma points! YES! Thanks, Buddha! (I actually came up with this theory a few days ago when I was walking home and passed this woman who was checking every pay phone on the street for a leftover quarter; I thought to myself, 'Damnz, I should just give the beeyotch the change I just got.' I almost did, but that would involve reaching into my pocket and what not, and I was soooo tired, so pfft. But I realized after I didn't do it that if I thought it, then I did it in my heart, so I should get universe points for that. Or something.) But back to Colin, who obviously I would call Colleen if I knew him persionally: What say everyone about this news bit? Do you think it really happened? Are Irishmen just such horndogs that they'll bump anything? Should I be surfing orbit for trips to Dublin?

The opposite of Colin Farrell (when he looks good; I saw a pic of him where he looked kinda puffy) would be the current incarnation of Tobey Maguire. Damnz he's FAT! I love it, though. I just wish he'd do some kind of spread in People or Us or Vanity Fair while he's still a fat, gambling addict. Maybe Hayden Xtensen could show up with his greasy self. I just think it'd be cool if he had a huge (!) portfolio of him while he's all fat. Firstly, it would just make for cool-looking art in the right hands, and I'm available if you're reading this, ________ (insert name of Vanity Fair editor here). But secondly, seeing Tobey Maguire all fattified warms the heart of the American public. We don't feel so fat and disgusting and bereft of willpower as we usually do. I love it. Thank you, Tobey, for that unselfish gift!

Another overdue item: Kelly Clarkson. I forgot to mention that I saw that rerun of her on Saturday Night Live. Or maybe I didn't forget, but I think I did. From Ed to Kelly: please, gursh, get control of your hair. Ditch the blond and go red, cux you look so much like Debra Messing anyway, and she's really pretty. Just look like her. As for how she sounded, interestingly, she didn't sound good on the songs she did, but in the skits she was, of course, phenomenal. And the biatch can act too! Coolznerzbot!

Well, I could yak about cheerleaders and buginda roast coffee, but I don't think this midday coffee has enough of a kick to get me through allz of that, so I'm just finna declare this the beep for now, beeplets.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.