Two Industrial Roboshakys

Two thoughts. One: Theme park rides are the apotheosis of theater. Yes, that's right. I went there. And here's what I mean: When you go to a well-done play, the first thing you notice, before the play actually starts, is the set and how beautiful it looks with the lighting and all. At least that's what I notice, so that must be what everyone notices, right? When I went to Fiddler in that Bway theater, the first thing I thought when I saw all the fake trees and sunset lighting was that I wanted to live there, in that set (as long as it had really good A/C, cux those lights are hot 'n stuff), cux it looked so gorgeous. A really good theme park ride replicates the gorgeous set theme (the best examples, I'd have to say, exist at Epcot Center in Orlando), except that you have the added dimension that you're moving through it, and that it's ever changing. So that is how good theme park rides are concentrated essence of theater. Or maybe the essence of theater sets. No, theater. Yeah. Theater.

Two: I saw the most incredible-looking woman in Duane Reade today. I'd put her at around 80. She was wearing a sheer leopard-print dress that looked more suited to evening (and someone at least 40 years younger) and some kind of heeled shoes that looked more as if they were wearing her than the other way around. Except for what I presume was some fluid collecting around her ankles, she was thin (and slightly hunched over). Probably the most striking thing about her was her hair, a deep, power fuschia with eyebrows penciled on in a matching color. Of course her hair was quite thin with a bald spot in the back, but you expect that for someone her age. I looked at her and thought, 'How come I don't know anyone like that?!' I wondered how I could meet people like that--I've never seen any on friendster or myspace or anything like that. I've never encountered a blogger that was so impressive. I've really got to meet people like that---I bet that woman is great at parties or just conversation. It would be so cool to know people like that. So if anyone out there knows any, send a note my way, because I wants to meet them! ...Oh, I guess you're asking if I went up and introduced myself. Uh, no. What am I finna say at 1pm in a Duane Reade without looking crazy? And I'm not good at conversation anyway. Alas! But if anyone knows anyone like that woman, lemme know...

And that's the beep for today.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Announcement et al.

I have an announcement to make, but let me first get this anecdote out of the way. I was walking to the post office today with a friend, when some person on the street, presumably a homeless person, manages to make eye contact with us (more with me, actually), and holds up a hand gesturing for our attention. The gesture seemed to indicate that he was about to say something like "The Post Office is closed today," "Don't eat the shrimp in the Chinese restaurant," or "Could I have a quarter for the phone?" Instead he says to us:

"I fucked Tony Curtis in the ass."

Um, OK. Congratulations.

And now, moving on to my announcement: I'm going to have a radio show on WFMU this summer, called The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment! It will air on Fridays from 6-7, with the first show airing on June 17. The show itself is a prerecorded mix of me yakking with my guests and musical interludes; and each show has a particular topic. So everyone tune in, cux it'll be, like, a blast 'n stuff! Listen at 91.1FM or wfmu.org. Believe that this won't be the last you hear from me on the subject.

Lastly, I had a great idea for a reality show. Actually, it's sort of a tweak on the idea for that Dancing With the Stars show. Since I heard that that Trista person is on it, I thought it would be great if, for the first show, it's actual dancing and all, and in the end Trista loses. And at the end of the show they wall her up into a mausoleum. And then the whole rest of the season is about her being buried alive. I suppose they could send her peanut butter sandwiches to sustain her for a season, but ONLY if absolutely necessary. Now that's a reality show worth watching! It would be almost Guantanemal. I just made that word up and wanted to use it. NO ONE has ever used that word before. Do you hear me?!?! NO ONE! Actually, the word kinda sounds like Garanimal. Maybe there could be a new line of pajamas called Guantanemals. What would they be? Hmm, orange prison uniforms? Middle-Eastern-looking things? Or just shackles? I dunno what they wear down there. What DO they wear down there? If I was in Cuba, alls I could imagine wearing is a lot of sunblock and something loose and light. Maybe Guantanemals could be, like, glamorized Cuban beach prison clothes. Like what Paris Hilton would wear if she were going to a Cuban beach prison-themed party. (There is a beach near there, isn't there?) I think they could be a hit. In fact, I think that it's the next big thing. Don't copy me, or I'll cut you. With my copyright blade!

And that's the beep for now, ganoozlets.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Accent on Five

I am such a bad blogger!!! Not updating my blog for all this time now. Bad me! Bad me! But I have been busy, you see. With sending out Five to radio and the like (yep, that's the final cover to the left. The shirt is gingham/checkerboard, but it prolly looks all weird shrunk like that. People aren't about the shirt, but I like it and stand by my choisie), and something else that I'll announce soonly, I've been completerly busyfied lately. And that sort of explains why I haven't updated. Sort of. And now that I haven't written in forever I can't remember what in the wurlt I wanted to say. So I'm just finna wing it.

Since Five is working its way to radio and soonly will be at CDBaby, I suppose I will give a li'l description of it here. It's called Five cux it's my 5th CD (Bling, Superpowerpusssy, Images of Rapture from the Boggle Woggle, Radio Friendly and now Five), and it has five installments of Ed Shepp Exposes, which are: Ed Shepp Exposes Salmelope Cruzak, where I talk about the daughter of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz; Ed Shepp Exposes Opravion, where I elucidate y'all about the drug created from Oprah; Ed Shepp Exposes the Isle of Agbar, where I educate about the island in Martha Stewart's estate; Ed Shepp Exposes Melissa Perkins 1.0, where I expose the computer virus that causes NOOS; and Ed Shepp Exposes Ed Shepp, where I talk about the story of Ed Shpep. Other pieces on the CD: Pigfucker, inspired by everyone I don't like; Swamp, inspired by a particularly negative individual I knew; Daria Cayne Model Academy, inspired in small part by Barbizon and Marsha Doll Models; Eat the Pussy (the name says it all); Partydance, a PSA-like piece about the dangers of drugs and dropping out of school, and the benefits of fruits & vegetables; Le C Est Pour Chatte, the French radio mix of The P Is for Pussy; and A Brief Introduction, where you hear CandyApple Sharonta's debut. And of course Dance of the Sugarplum Beepner and Event to Remember, from the audio xmas card, are there too. And that's all of Five. ...or is it?

What else did I have to say... Hmm..... Well, I don't have the book with me, but I'm going to mention it anyway. It seems that the issue of class is huge now, what with the Times doing its series that I never read on it and all. And of course I'm unintentionally smack dab in the zeitgeist regarding the issue, cux I just recently finished the bell hooks book Where We Stand: Class Matters. (I actually quoted it in a recorded piece that I am positive people will take the wrong way. I'm sure people won't hear what I'm actually saying, but only a few choice charged words, and then they'll come to their own erroneous conclusions. They always do.) (Speaking of people misinterpreting--bell hooks spells her name this way, with no capitals.) I read it to clarify myne own thoughts on the issue, and I recommend the book. On the whole it's great--there were just a couple places where I thought she might have been a little glib, seeming to assign volition to social forces where I don't think there was one. For example, she talks about the ruling class doing things with the intention of exploiting the underprivileged classes--instances in which I agreed with her that the end result is exploitation, but I don't think there was a conscious intent to produce this result. And she talks about new age spirituality aiming to justify the status quo with regard to wealth distribution--I don't think new age spirituality aimed to do anything per se, but the particular beliefs some of it endorses may have not-quite-intentionally produced this effect. Overall, however, it's a good book.

And in a sort-of-related-to-class vein, there are certain things it seems no one will tell you. No one will tell you your hair looks brassy. No one will tell you you're putting on weight (but they'll tell you if you lose it! They'll say, yeah, you were huge! And you'll be like, well, why didn't you tell me that when I was enhugeifying!?!?!) And it seems that people won't tell you when you have a regional accent. I recently told someone that ze has a pronounced regional accent. Ze denied that ze did. So I took hir to other people and said, 'Doesn't ze have a strong regional accent?' and everyone was like, 'no, ze doesn't have any accent.' Then, typically, when I came around later without hir, the people told me, 'wow! ze really does have a strong accent!' And I'm like why did you say ze didn't?!?! I guess that's a new taboo--telling someone they have a regional accent. Cux we all know that most regional accents are class signifiers. I mean, down in Georgia a particular twang signifies a particular class position; similar to the sound of a Long Islan or Jersey accent here. Now, I'm not saying that my voice is perfectly inflection-free (sometimes I have a little Florida sunshine in my speech), but it doesn't need to be for me to talk about accents. And I can speak purt-well standard when I care to (listen here and here and tell me if I have a pronounced regional accent. Really, tell me if I do.). Sometimes, however, I do have something of a 'festive' lilt to my voice, and I wonder if, perhaps, that's why people were reticent to point out other peoples' accents in front of me. Then again, I tend to give everyone way too much credit, so I doubt people are canny enough to think like that.

Wow. I think that's a big enough entry for now. Readers, enjoy! Visitors, misinterpret! And that's my beep for now.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.

Garbanzos of Fond, Britney-Style!

So Five is almost ready to come out of its shell. The image at left (by Mark Baratelli) isn't the final cover for it (although that's almost done), but it's the inspiration for it. The new one, featuring five Eds looking ravishing in red gingham, is a bit more 'Evlis-y,' I'm told. If you haven't heard anything from Five, there are a few things online (click for each): Pigfucker and Le C Est Pour Chatte here, and Partydance on fluxblog today. Let's hear it for fluxblog! Yay! ...And I'll prolly be uploading A Brief Introduction soon, maybe for a limited time, cux limited times are so coolzbot. One thing a lot of people like about the piece is its rhyme scheme, which follows: A A A A A B B B B B C C C C D D D E E F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F G H G H.

One thing I love about something of mine being featured on fluxblog is the huge increase in traffic myne own blog gets for a li'l while. It's always nice to get more hits. Being linked to by another site is one way to increase traffic. Another way, apparently, is to yak about certain celebrities. I recently experienced a jump in traffic from a post where I briefly mentioned my friend Veep briefly mentioning to me that Hayden Xtensen was spotted making out with his BF in WeHo. That got on some Hayden fansite, where someone linked to me (and called me 'harsh'--I was like, 'I'm not harsh!' Then I read my own entry and was like, 'Wow, that was harsh.') and spiked my traffic. And now again someone linked to the same entry from their blog, same topic. Wow! Who knew I'd become something of an authority on a Hayden Christensen rumor?! If I had an inkling that might happen, I'd definitely have changed the wording around in the entry, probably mentioning that Veep is a 'film industry insider' and trying to play off that I had the scoop on the whole incident, when in fact I think that came originally from towleroad. As for the linkers, I only read a teetsy bit from the site that first linked to me--the whole site smelled of teenage estrogen, so I didn't want to read too far into it. I'm sure they were all like, 'He's just jealous of Hayden, blah blah blah blah... ' Am I jealous of Hayden Christensen? Why, because he's extremely goodlooking and has a great career where he can make a lot of money and get a ton of acclaim? Wha? Why on earth would I be jealous of that?! NO ONE would be jealous of that!!

Ooh, a segway: Speaking of movies, I got to see The Day After Tomorrow a few days ago on cable on-demand. What a stupid movie! I'm so glad I didn't see it in theaters! There weren't even any mind-blowing special effects, which is why I wanted to see the movie anyway. Such a letdown. 1 tardo movie down, 1 to go: A friend is pressuring me to watch Gigli, because it's "not that bad." She wants me to watch it to see that it's not as bad as all the hype made it out to be (according to her). Since when did people start demanding others see movies simply because the movies aren't as bad as they thought? They're still bad! Clearly I'm behind the times, cux I still recommend movies to people because the movies are good and worth seeing. Another movie note: Lars Von Trier's next movie in the Dogville trilogy is out, I think. Or it's in festivals or something. I can't wait to see it, but if it's anything like Dogville, I'm going to have to prepare myself somehow. That movie was so long and the absence of sets was fatiguing to me (but I LOVED the ending). It struck me as pretty Scandinavian, I guess--kinda depressing but edifying in the end, like Bergman. Is that right? Eh. Anyway, he called GWB an asshole, which I found funny. And lastly on the movie tip, I'm definitely going to see Star Wars while it's in the theaters--I'm not flaking out this time! I haven't seen any of the prequels, and indeed, I haven't seen any of the originals, unless you count seeing the first of the movies in the theaters when I was too young to really remember it. I'm going to try to see it with a friend who's obesessed with SW--he even gets hired to be Darth Vader at appearances! He can explain to me everything that's happening on the screen.

And now for TV blips: That Britney show is just unwatchable. Blech. And I'm glad Naima won America's Next Top Model--she had the most personality of all the girls, which is actually saying very little.

Lasterly, I've said it before and I'll say it again: amNew York is the Worst. Paper. Ever. Every time I read it I notice some error or clumsy language or typo or something. Yesterday there was an article on HPV--the human papilloma virus. It actually appeared in an advice column section. The advice giver said that 'most people don't know' that HPV can be cleared up quickly with antibiotics. !!!! 'Most people' don't know this because it's NOT TRUE. You can treat a virus with antibiotics! And what's an advice columnist doing giving medical advice anyway?!?! You'd think she could have at least consulted someone in healthcare, but then this is amNew York, where the standards are kept low low low.

And that's the beep for now, beeplets!

Beep!
Ed Shepp

Read it. Buy it. Hear it. Buy it. See it.