Sunday, January 14, 2007

Less Hate, More Mercy

Well, another weekend comes to a close and, of course, I have diarrhea. Does anything more need to be said about that?

Let's go over the days.

Friday was all about Pseu Braun. She was in a bad mood and was projecting it all on to me. I was telling her about my friend Parshan, and how we would go to bars where he would then flirt heavily with unconventionally attractive people and then we'd both go home. And I would say to him, "Why aren't you going to go home with that guy? You seemed to really like each other." But then Parshan would say he was kidding the whole time. I told Pseu that I thought he was embarrassed to like someone unconventionally attractive, and was not going home with him because he didn't want me to see it. (You know, how sometimes someone does it for you, but you're with friends, and they don't think ze's cute, so you pretend you don't either?) And I even reiterated my philosophy: whatever does it for you does it for you, and you should follow your own desires irregardlessly of what others think. Then Pseu loosed her bomb: You're a cock block. That's what she told me. A cock block! Imagine!

I told her that I am certainly no cock block; that it was my friend's insecurity that kept him from hooking up, not me. Yet she still continued to pour blame all over me like vitriol glaze, saying that I should have been "supportive" of my friend, saying thing like, "You go, girl! You go get some! Hellz fizzuck yeah! Uh-huh! I'm goin this way, and you're going that way, to the boom boom room! Hellz yeah!" And I'm like, Wingapo?! What, I have to coddle people? Ludicrous. I mean, I'll be supportive, but come on, I only cheerlead for $1,000 an hour, and usually that's for Asian businessmen.

But that's not all! I was also telling Psue about this new book I'd seen called The Science of Orgasm. As I ungastan it, the book says that you can have all kinds of different orgasms--brain scans have revealed that just touching some parts of the body can elicit orgasm. And that people who are paralyzed below the waist can also experience orgasm--I had no idea. Well, Pseu said to me: Duh, I've always known that. And I was like, Why didn't you tell me? And she's like, I didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation. And I'm like, We're having the conversation right now, and I'm not uncomfortable. I just couldn't believe that she would have this kind of information and not share it. Isn't that the type of information you share with people? "Hey, check it out: you can have an orgasm just by being touched." That's the kind of thing I would want people to know. I guess I'm just more righteous than Pseu Braun. Hmmph.

Later, I was discussing the whole cock block thing with my roommate, who remembered one time when a friend of his did a mercy fuck. And I was like, What a good deed! A mercy fuck! So I'm calling for 2007 to be all about mercy fucks. Less hatefucking, more mercy fucking. Everyone go out and do one mercy fuck this year. And no, that does not include me, because we all know that I have been celibate for some time (yes, voluntarily) and intend to remain so. I'm righteous, you know, which is exactly why I should be the person to head up this movement. Everyone spread the word and the clap.

Lastly, an audio moment. I'm getting addicted to this having-audio-to-post-with-entries; it's awesome. So today's offering is this little thing I read in Black Book magazine. I think it's excerpts from a story called The Lonely Doll. Click here for the file. And remember Dead Palestinian Girl, that piece by Mark Baratelli that I recorded my slam version of? Well, here are Mark's versions: #1 and #2.

And that's the beep for now, gzooplets.

Ed Shepp

1 comment:

Mark B said...

Is slam a good thing or a bad thing? Can I make a t-shirt that says "I got slammed by Ed Shepp"? Also, was that a mercy slam?