Monday, January 08, 2007

The BIG STINK of 2007

All right, the big news of today is the mysterious gas smell hovering over the NY area. I'm dubbing it the BIG STINK of 2007, so everyone follow my lead on that. C'mon, I'm trying to "reinvent" myself as a trendsetter. Or journalist. Or phrasemaker, or whatever the hell. Anyway, I'm working on my story now for when people start asking, "Where were you during the BIG STINK of 2007?" I haven't got much yet, but the skeleton involves plus-size Brazilian models, a paint wheel in a SoHo loft and lots and lots of operatic caterwauling.

What was I really doing? Stumbling out of the house, cursing the Monday on my way to work. Of course it didn't occur to me until lunchtime to send out the perfunctory Don't let me die a virgin!!! email--can't let those opportunities for terror sex go by, right? So anyway, at around noon I clicked into my gmail address book and went straight to the group called Emergency Terror Sex Contacts to draft a message. Imagine my shock when there were (portentous minor chord on strings, maybe that diminished-5th type thing)..... NO! NAMES! THERE! [big girly scream] What's worse, I didn't even have a form letter email drafted--just the subject: Don't let me die a virgin!!! Well, needless to say, I have to rectify this post haste. I'm drafting an email that will automatically be sent out to craigslist and associated salacious sites in case of the following: unidentified smells, terror attacks, snowstorms, Republican conventions, traffic jams, returns of Christ or other gods or godlike beings, transit strikes, grey hairs, zombie attacks and any other occasions in which immediate anonymous intimacy is called for. If you would like to be added to this mailing list, alert me here, especially if you have the good pillz.

But for all you people who are freaking out about the potential deadly odor, don't cry for me, Tallahasseans. Because I have NO INTENTION of dying with this 48-inch waist (or until I have 10,001 myspace friends--add me here)! HELLZ to the NAHW!!! Even if someone rains zombie smallpox on the city, I will NOT expire until I'm down to my regular 26. And with that in mind, I've scheduled an emergency meeting with my bulimia coach and a trip to Mexico to get some outlawed diet drugs. Who cares if they made hundreds of cattle literally cook in their skins? If they can make me poop this fat out faster than the water supply in Mexico, I'm there!

In other news, what a weekend! Saturday I went to the WFMU holiday party, where I hung out with my friend Corey Smith and got hammered. Then he convinced me to go to the Black Dice show at the Bowery Ballroom, which was awesome. Then I slept late Sunday. Ooh! I just remembered: Everyone tune in to my show this week. I'm reading extensively from my favorite book, Against ****: A Polemic. I'm actually giving this as my valentine for this year. So sign up for the Emergency Terror Sexymailything if you want a valentine.

That's all.

Ed Shepp

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