Am I busy, Amy? Do I have a zillion beans a bakin on the oven, Berlin? Hellz yeah! But do I still come back to all y'allz with those blog entries that keep you regular on those cold, fiber-free wintry nights?? HELLZ EVENTUALLY YEAH!!!! So here I am, just before Celeditude, to give y'allz some more words-of-maybe-wisdom-maybe-not-but-at-least-you'll-be-able-to-poop-again-without-your-Jimmy Carter-motivational-audiotape-playing. HOOO!!! It got crude. Yeah, I went there. Cux I'm dangerous. Like ROXETTE!!! Hellz yeah! Ok, before this gets disorganized, like my room...
First of all, yesh, beepners, Celeditude is coming up on Friday. Celebrate! Break out your orange, your orange-blossom scents and be nice to people, just like I was when I was laid (lay? layn? labeled?) on a bed of orange blossoms all those years ago. Wingapo? You don't know the story? Not to worry, astrobeeplet (I stole that one from Michael Collins, who stole beeplet from me)--I shall post The Story of Celeditude so that all may learn. ALSO, I recorded The Story of Celeditude for my show this Friday, so if you can't read (I presume your hewer is reading this to you--how's s/he doing? Navigating the fake words well? Call 1-800-HEWERS-READ with your feedback), tune in to WFMU 91.1FM or wfmu.org Friday from 6-7. And there's your perfunctory plug. No, wait!! Go listen to the Smell and Happy Birthday shows, because they were great, boopners. OK, there we go.
And now some assorted gwinkles: Wondering what to get me for my birthday? Well, I still want a good crown (NOT a tiara! NOT a tiara! Princes wear crowns, princesses wear tiaras.) (Speaking of princesses, I've been listening to Jackie O., the opera lately, and I forgot how great the Maria Callas' character's diva moments are. But to borrow a phrase from her: "And now a little infomation about ME!"), and by good crown I mean not a plastic one. I good metallic one. That would be great. Apart from that I guess I want another thumb drive, cux I'm loving those things. And maybe a stalk of purple cauliflower or a bag of pumpkin spice pecans. Or if someone could arrange for me to meet Kyle MacLachlan or Elizabeth Berkeley in a Yankee Candle, that would be invaluable if no one put a value on it. More gwinkles: Did you know that Burger King (devoice the g--everyone's doing it now, and by everyone I mean ME) now serves three (!!!) kinds of coffee--decaf, regular and turbo, which has Provigil in it. OK, the Provigil part was a lie until 2015; it's just got extra caffeine. Yay for Bur[j]er King! Also, does anyone know where I can get that diabolical version of Let It Snow that is in that Pantene commercial? It's so awesome with its auto-tune and all, but not as awesome as the teaser for the 10-o-clock local news that just hit the TV screen: "A shocking drug smuggling operation involving puppies!" Of course, why not?
And lastly, beeplets: Yes, it's true--the people at Urban Outfitters aren't just pricks, they're thieves. They totally stole Johnny Cupcake's design. And yeah, I know it's old news and all, but it bears repeating for two reasons: JC himself is a friend of one of my friends (and I mean Johnny Cupcakes, not Jesus Christ--he's my personal savior, or rather I should say 'saver'--Rosita at the deli gives me free stuff every time I go and talk about how our awesome friend Jesus with her. Thanks, J! This $1.20 flan is on you, buddy!); and almost everyone who works at UO is the devil's spawn. I'll even go so far as to say they're more eviller than Abercrombie & Clones, which I only say because I literally never go into that store. (Am I lucky that I don't like any of the clothing? I do like Banana, though. I know--how bougie. Butt what can you do!)
So wow, that was a wild ride, huh?! I feel like I just watched a whole YEAR of The Biggest Loser on The Price Is Right. So I'm finna put this blog entry away until I post the Story of Celeditude, sometime before Friday. As that girl over 10 years younger than me said yestertwight when someone expressed incredulationity that she turned down MIT to go to film school: "Boop!"
Oh, and if you missed the article that blurbed me in TimeOut NY, you can see it here. YAY!