Home for Christmas

Well here I am, beepners, in sunny (yes, it's actually sunny this year!) Florida for Christmas. Wheee!! I'm so glad to get out of those 20 and 30 degree temps in NYC. And, of course, the transit strike ends just as I'm leaving. But I did get to see the sign in that restaurant's window (can't recall the name) that read "Transit strikers no longer welcome"--that was awesome. I heard the woman next to me on the plane tell her relative that the strike had just ended. After I rode that harrowing bus all the way out to JFK. I think the bus ride was scarier than the plane flight (I'm not big on buses); and I was considerably more anxious on the plane than I usually am. Cux I'm almost always a really good flier. Since I mentioned that woman, I have to point out that it was clear to me that she was a Wal-Mart shopper. I'm reading this book on class in America, and I came to a page with the graphic below:

And I actually felt the need to cover the illustration with my hand (subtly) while I read the pages, so that the woman didn't look over and feel embarrassed. (I saw her glance at the title of the book when I took it out. Reciprocally, I glanced at what she was reading: five [!] tabloids, dealing mostly with Jessica Simpson's marriage. No, I'm not kidding.) Yes, Virginia, she was obese. How kind am I to not remind her? HOW KIND!!!!!!

And speaking of class, and of Florida, look what the book I'm reading has to say on the subject, when discussing how where you come from determines your class:

Both Florida (except perhaps for Palm Beach) and Southern California (except perhaps for Pasadena) have been considered socially disastrous for decades. As if the facts were well known, the vilest nightclubs abroad, especially in gotten-up new places like West Germany, are likely to be named Florida. One reason no civilized person could think of living near Tampa is that during the 1970s this sign was visible there, advertising nearby Apollo Beach: "Guy Lombardo Wants You as a Neighbor."

Interesting. And I suppose, knowing nothing really about the upper and upper-upper classes, I'll have to take the author's word for it. Just like Pocahontas did in Colors of the Wind: "You think I'm an ignorant savage, and you've been so many places... I guess you're right."

But back to Christmas in Florida. First of all, the sun! The sun sun sun!!! Today my mom and I exited a mall and the sky was so bright (and so much of it visible due to Florida's almost uniform flatness) that alls I wanted to do at that moment was put a lawn chair in the middle of the mall parking lot and sit. How Floridian of me! Second of all, the temperature temperature tamporature!! It's in the 60s, and I think it's supposed to be in the 70s over the weekend. Third of all, the suburbs suburbs suburbs!!!! Mom and I went to Publix today to get some things (I confess: I could really spend the entire holiday going from Publix to Publix--I love driving and grocery stores and sun that much), and when we exited the Salvation Army lady, who was NOT ringing a bell, offered us a quiet, "Merry Christmas." WHAT A CHANGE from the loud LOUD LOUD (I'm loving this repetition thing today) "PENNY FOR THE HOMELESS! ONE PENNY! SIR! ONE PENNY IS ALL THEY NEED! CAN'T YOU SPARE A PENNY!!!" I thought, "Wow. I could get used to this."

One thing I could not get used to, however, is this dial-up internet. Who knew it was so slow? Who, I ask you, WHO???!?! Additionally, I've gotten sick, for the most part, of Christmas music. I feel like I've eaten too much cake or something. But you can't throw up music. Can you? If you could, I'd have a whole new CD!

Briefly, I came to the realization that in Florida, as in much of the country, Christmas light displays are all about quantity. Not art, but quantity. Kind of like the light displays in Indian restaurants on 6th st.

So Christmas is coming up soon--tomorrow I'm supposed to be hanging out with an old friend, so that should be cool. Then the big day. I have a few good gifts under the tree, but I think the best gift was something that I couldn't get from a store, something totally unexpected: My parents got a scanner, so I've been scanning in old pix of myself and the like for the past recentism. Like the one at the beginning of the entry, which is me and my sister at Christmas in 1974. What could I be thinking?! And these:

My certificate for excellent citizenship

and

My 8th grade yearbook picture. Was I hotter-than-hot or WINGAPO?!?!?!

And I STILL can't keep my hair cut at regular intervals!

But, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't post these bits:

My certificate for completing the Four Star Shooting Camp

and

A pic from my second birthday

(I remember being blonder. This pic must be underexposed.)

So anyway, that's the beep for now. I have to say again that I'm so glad the transit steerike is over. So glad. Now it just needs to warm up about 30 degrees and the day needs to get 3 hours longer. Then we're in business, Manhattan! So for now, this is Ed Shepp signing off. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

Beep!
Ed Shepp

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Happy Beeping Holidays!

Sheesh! You try to write down notes for things to enbloggerize so you can write timely entries... ...and then you STILL take a month to put up a blog entry!!! Gaklers! Oh my cods...

Well we're in the middle of my 4 weeks of holiday (Christmas) shows--yay!!! Those were fun to make. Go here to see them. Oh, and The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment has become podcastable, so go here to get the podcast. And my holiday cards (CDs) are out too--yay! If you didn't get one, and you really, really want one, and you don't mind receiving it after Christmas, because you celebrate Chanukah or Kwanzaa or something (cux if I mail it now, it'll NEVER get anywhere before Christmas), email me, I guess. It's really just stuff from my shows and other music. Beep.

And I finally found an 18'' pink Christmas tree for my desk, after those kids at 3 different Urban Outfitters told me that what I was asking for didn't exist (in spite of the fact that it was listed on the sign). So yay. I only wish it could be pink fur and decorated with nude Barbies. Either that, or a real pine tree, burned up one half. Would that be a "slap in the face to bourgeois values"?

I went to a dinner party over the weekend. I was going to bring champagne (pink Andre, of course), but the liquor store I went to didn't have any that was cold, so I ended up bringing a pointsettia. I was the second person to bring a 'plant.' When I was getting food in the kitchen, I noticed a huge bouquet of white flowers all wrapped in cellophane, gift-ready. A closer look revealed they were fake. But it took a moment after I realized they were fake to put it together in my mind that someone had actually brought a bouquet of fake flowers as a gift!!!!! Frankly, I can't believe it hadn't occurred to me before. But I had to start trouble: I mentioned the beautiful flowers, and it was clear to me that the person who had given them was standing right next to me. "Are they freesia?" I asked. "Yes, they are." "Oh. ...Are they fragrant?" "Hmmmm, I don't know." (Freesia, when it grows from the earth, is fragrant.) It was funny. Beep.

A last anecdote that I forgot to mention: a friend of someone in another city apparently hired a hewer recently. (No, I am not talking about myself. With the money something like that would take, I could have, like, 5 bottles of cologne, right? An hour of whatever versus months of scents? The choice is clear.) Apparently when the hewer arrived at my friend's house he said, "You know, I don't really feel like having sex today," to which the, er, procurer replied, "Well, I don't feel like paying $200 today." Ha!! I thought it was funny. OK, that whole story was fake.*

And that's the beep for now, gnooplets! Happy holidays all!

Beep!
Ed Shepp



*Actually, it wasn't fake.

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All the Remonculars from Turkey Valley

Yowza! It's been a long time since I've posted. I guess I just don't have the time I had before. Alas.

Well, Turkey Day weekend has come to a close. I hope you heard my Thanksgiving show! If you didn't, what are you waiting for?! Go here and stream it! (Or click this.) For Thanksgiving Day, I was supposed to have turducken with a couple peeps, but the restaurant we went to ran out of it, so we had deep-fried turkey instead. It was good, but it wasn't the supernatural explosion of deliciousness that I expected. What can you do! Still, it was really good.

So now Thanksgiving is done with, and it's Christmastime. I have a few Christmas shows coming up, and I dare say they're pretty good. I have to admit that having a prerecorded radio show is a great excuse to start listening to Christmas music (which I love) really early, and since I've been working on Christmas shows for the past couple weeks, I've been soaking in the music. You know what song I really like? That Britney Spears one--I think it's called Santa, Can You Hear Me? It's not the dumb crap you expect from Britney Spears (although much of that dumb crap is really well-produced, making it addictive crap, kinda like Cheetos); I mean, yeah, it's not an Important Work of Art, but it's not as fluffy as, say, Jessica Simpson's xmas stuff as I understand it. And it's not a pile of manure like Christina Aguilera's whole xmas album, which definitely is one of the worst xmas albums ever made. You have to hear it, because I'm too tired to describe it right now (and if I don't put an entry up tonight, I probably won't for another month).

And speaking of Christmas, I'm pizzissed that I can't find a small pink Christmas tree for my desk @ work. The ones at Urban Outfitters are too big, and the nice small pink one at that tacky carpet store in Union Square is $50!!! $50!!!!!!!! HELL-to-the-naw! I wouldn't spend that kind of cash even if I could easily afford it. I tried spray-painting one of the green trees I have, but that looked like shit, so I threw it out. I would just use it green, but I kinda had my heart set on pink, blue or white with colored lights and pastel ornaments. I don't want to put up a boring green tree. Uck. One thing I think might look cool, but I'm not gonna do it (cux I've deduced that making stuff yourself always comes out too expen$ive and usually looks crappy), is if I could have the regular green tree, but one half is burnt. I think that would be pretty cool. Or one half is melted. I would like that. It would be a "slap in the face of bourgeois values." :P Gotta love that.

Dammit, I got nuthin to say. not a damned thing. I think I'm gonna work on my xmas cards or something. Speaking of xmas cards, here's a holiday image for you. Click on it and you can hear the Ed Shepp holiday, er, thingie (cux I don't know what to call it) that goes with it.

And that's my beep for now, gnooplets. If you haven't seen it, I've been mentioned again on fluxblog, so go peep! That's that.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

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Madonna Etc.

Guck, I'm watching that Madonna documentary now. Blips:

--Wow! She finally learned how to sing! Well, sing better (through her nose, apparently). That's if the clip from her tour is any indication. And I'm not sure it is, because her voice is all raspy when she speaks, and then it's clearer when she sings. ......OK, now she's doing Holiday--maybe I spoke too soon about her being able to sing.

--Sometimes Madonna looks like Sheryl Crow, but sometimes she looks like Baby Jane. She looks great in those glasses she wears.

--Her daughter looks and talks like her. Neither are very good things, since she'll be spending a lot of time getting those eyebrows waxed and trying to soften that pretentious accent. (I still hold that it's not a fake British accent, but attempted 'diction' taken too far. It's the harsh glottal stops that screw it all up.)

--I don't think I could suffer through a whole Madonna concert, all that kaballah crap and video shots of church choirs and stuff.

--There was a scene with Madonna's daughter telling knock knock jokes that were the very opposite of funny. Of course someone was laughing--her little brother who was what? 1 year old? But then they weren't funny only because they were really generic. I would actually love to have a bunch of people over one time where we tell the worst, most generic, unfunny knock knock jokes and not laugh.

--There's this great font she's using periodically that almost makes the scenes look like an Hermes ad. Almost.

--Madonna would have made a helluva impression in Israel if she'd worn a Hannibal Lecter mask when she landed there. And Madonna asks in her Hermes font if she can really make a difference? Not unless everyone in the Middle East turns out to actually be gay.

--GOD DAMN, Madonna!!! Leave songs like Imagine alone!!!!!!!!! You need some kind of restraining order---keep 500 feet away from all classic songs! Someone take this biotch to International criminal court!

OK, that's enough of that, because I'm sure there are 600 million gayer-than-I-could-even-conceive blogs that are very seriously liveblogging this thing.

Beep. I was going to write something else, but methinks I'll save it for later, since myne posts have become so sporadical lately. But I shall end thusly: Everyone listen to my radio show this week, The Ed Shepp Radio Experiment, cux it's my Halloween show!! And it's awesome!!! It has (the updated) How Ed Shepp Saved Halloween on it, and also lots of pieces from last year's Halloween issue of Another Ed Shepp Magaxine-Type Thinglet. It rocks, so listen in on WFMU 91.1FM or wfmu.org (Fridays 6-7pm)!!

And that's the beep for now, gnorklets.

Beep!
Ed Shepp

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